when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. but when we are silent, we are still afraid. so it is better to speak.

Audre Lorde

fitting for a blog I think

The Age of Aquarius…is 32

2013…How did that happen?  As my birthday is coming up in Feb. I am reminded that I will be turning the age my mother was when she had me.  This has me taken aback as I look at all she had and had accomplished by that point in her life and I compare it to where I am now, about to be 32.  For all intensive purposes I’m doing ok.  Just married in Oct, have 2 jobs, a roof over my head, a car that runs well….but I have a secret…I’m VERY over weight.  It is this one thought that has me plagued as I swore I would loose all my weight before I was 30.  Well that didn’t happen.  So now it’s time, and with the help and support of my loving husband, friends and family I will start this journey. But it is a personal one and as for this blog I will only put up what I find useful and helpful on my quest to health.  I started this blog 3 years ago for a similar purpose but I guess I wasn’t ready then….May I be ready now.

Revelation # 2

It is only when held over the fire that you find what you are truly made of.

Lately, I have been learning many lessons, and not all of them easy. I pray I remember them for there are some I really rather not repeat. I have found that it is only in having to do without that I have found how much I really have. Never again will I look at my bank account with $200 in it and say I’m broke or poor, cuz i’ve been broker and poorer. I’ve also been broken out of old habits and old ways of thinking about the “stuff” in my life and what I need to live…a 52 inch TV sounds great till you need food….and then all the tv in the world does not make the growling stomach go away.

Growing up is hard, and it’s painful and I don’t think you can ever be prepared for it. It is nothing like I expected…but then again my life right now is like nothing I expected. I expected to graduate, get a good job and live large…instead every day is a challenge of budgeting just enough to get there, back and have a meal. and yet even in the hard and the pain there is beauty in the truth of life. when you are hit smack in the face with being “right here, right now” you can see the snow on the trees and be here in this moment, watch the light reflect and know it’s not a special effect…it’s REAL.

I am coming to terms with my wounds…I am lining them up on the wall, saying their names and calling them out. We do this dance. We go round and round the floor till I can truly let them go and they don’t get in line anymore. I allow them to be at the surface now. I’m allowing them to breath. Maybe by this act it will breath life back into me.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Revelation # 1

I’ve tried blaming so many things in my life. I was angry at them, those certain people or events in my life. I lashed out at them and blamed them. Their drama, their negativity, their bad decisions, were getting in the way of me completing my dreams. My anger overflowed toward them. It was their fault I was not all I could be, I thought.

If I could just get away from them, If I could just stop taking part in their drama, if I could just get them out of my life…. I could have it all.

So I did. I got rid of everything, cut out all that I blamed. “How dare they keep me from my dreams.”

Then, finally free of them, I sat in the quiet, in the dark, wondering why I still had no energy.

And now I’ve realized, it was never them that kept me from my dreams, kept me from accomplishing or becoming all I could. It was not them that kept me from getting my life in order,

it was me.

First steps

I must admit I have been my worst enemy.

Pulling, ripping and tearing at the very thread of my being for not being like someone else, for not being more or less as I commanded, for not looking or acting a certain way, for making mistakes at all.

So, now that I recognize that, I vow to be good to me, to this soul. When I look in the mirror I vow to say nice things and think nice things about this body, my body, my only way of experiencing and engaging in this world. I will be a better caretaker. I’ll start by loving me.


The Beginning

In the beginning there was fear. Fear to come out and be myself, fear of discovering who I am for fear I wouldn’t like what I found. Fear of being heard and having a voice. Fear of you all reading what I wrote, even though this blog is for me. Fear, fear, fear, but this is My couch, my place to come and open up and speak all the things I’ve been holding. This is my journey. So I start pushing through, giving birth to my true self on these pages.

Birthing pains are never easy to bear, but I will for I know uncomfortable does not equal bad.


…I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers.

- Rainer Marie Rilke, Letters to A Young Poet